The best plant holders?
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when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok