I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
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Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I only look at Wordle for the articles
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me: