The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
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Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Big Sex has us all fooled
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂