The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
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*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Roses are red, you always mattered,
this has to be peak English
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.