The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
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This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I’d rather go liquor treating.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat