Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

💀🤣

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour