Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

Phone

Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first

Person: How…

Me: I don’t want to talk about it

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”