The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END