The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
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My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.