The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
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Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv