The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
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Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?