The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
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Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
If looks could kill
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
and now we wait
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.