The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
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Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting