the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
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I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Well, this certainly took a turn
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.