The best shot in the history of golf
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You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Co-worker: Why are you crying are you sad??
Me: I’m crying cause I want to punch you in the face but can’t
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
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Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?