The best shot in the history of golf
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The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so