The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Most Common Source of Electricity
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
