The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
