The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

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Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security


AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.


The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day.


I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!


I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.


As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat


Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine


my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son


I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.