@underalls

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

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@_Tempo11

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

@eminmien

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

@samuelhlowe

The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day.

@karanbirtinna

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

@Sassafrantz

I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.

@pittdave13

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

@DaddyJew

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

@KeetPotato

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

@TheTweetOfGod

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.