The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
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“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!