The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
