The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
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LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.