The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
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Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Me, reading some of your tweets
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did