The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
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I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD