Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!