The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
You Might Also Like
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
me refusing to leave twitter
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer