Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

It’s his time

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?