Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.