The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
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“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
