the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did

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Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE


*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.


My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.


HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses.


My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.


Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.


If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.


I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.


I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)