the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did

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Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.


If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.


[museum tour in the future]
Racism and sexism ended in the 21st century, when brave Americans argued it out of existence online


Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.


you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now


Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.


Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.


A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.


Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
Me: No.
*snatches phone