Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did
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*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.
I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax