My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
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Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges