The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
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You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
me working on my assignments ^-^
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
this article brought to you by lions
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.