The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
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Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Squirrels before girls.
Oh. My. God.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing