The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
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scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.