Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

⚰

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”