The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
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I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
new dr. seuss book dropping:
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I never needed anything more in my life
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks