The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
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Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.