Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.