The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
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The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Shower sex be like:
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
*cough*
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday