Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Siri, fight Alexa.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

WHY?!

remember

only for emergencies

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.