The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
You Might Also Like
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
this site is so cooked lol
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one