The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
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With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My plans: 2020:
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Happy Star Wars day!
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
