My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
You Might Also Like
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?