The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
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We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head