The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

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*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.


Applicant: 8PM.



I hope “citibank” is better at math than spelling.


[2 guys at open mic night]

What are we gonna name our band?

[from crowd] look at the one guys hair! LMFAO

*they look at each other*


shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.


[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.


Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..


12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?

Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?

12yo: WHAT?!

Me: Goodnight, son.


All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.


If there’s more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali?

I just want to be ready.