@SkinnieTalls

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

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@aldenskii

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

@hunz74

I hope “citibank” is better at math than spelling.

@SteveSuckington

[2 guys at open mic night]

What are we gonna name our band?

[from crowd] look at the one guys hair! LMFAO

*they look at each other*

@PhilJamesson

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

@UncleDuke1969

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

@stpeteyontweety

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

@TheMichaelRock

12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?

Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?

12yo: WHAT?!

Me: Goodnight, son.

@tsm560

All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.

@attheUC

If there’s more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali?

I just want to be ready.