The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
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People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
congratulations to them
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
vegan witches, happy halloween!
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I stand by it
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.