Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

a New Yorker reject, for you

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk