Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

Many hands make light work