The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
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Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it