Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

🐶😂

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.