The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
You Might Also Like
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”