The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
You Might Also Like
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
don’t be scared
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*swipes right on my hand mirror
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what