Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

Feels like there should be a middle ground

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

When you try jalapeños for the first time

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.