The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
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All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.