Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

seriously you guys

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.