The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
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at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Brands during Pride
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
