The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
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i spent way too long on this
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!