The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
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Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
the official breakfast of 2021
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Blocked: 1985
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.