[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
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Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.