The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
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I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.