The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
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Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Unmatched
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one