The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
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Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
🤣🤣🤣
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead