The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
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I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Morning.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.