Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

having children is a pyramid scheme.

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.