Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

twitter users today:

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.