Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?