The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
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I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.