The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I finally found a reason to live again.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing