Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

This kinda thing happens to me often

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.