The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
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Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
