The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
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The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
