The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
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Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Still cracks me up
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Merica.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle