The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no