The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
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My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour