Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

Genius.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

the #horror is real!

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money