Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

bags with threatening auras

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

honey, bring out the fine china.

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?