The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
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*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑